hi, dearest self.
i hope this letter is not that abrupt for you, and hope that you can
understand and forgive me if I am too harsh. You know that’s because i
love you and really care about,right? Yes. I want you happy, to enjoy
life with friends and family, to learn and share thoughts with people
around and far from you, to feel the emotions of sorrow and rage and
What if all I want is a small, slow, simple life? What if I am most
happy in the space of in between. Where calm lives. What if I am
mediocre and choose to be at peace with that?
my dearest self, i need your paitance. Life is long. and we are alone.
we always have friends and competitors. we instictively compare
ourselves with other people. and once we are stuck somewhere, we feel
the distress and self-comtemptment. But i know you are great with
stuff. You are not the smartest man in the world, but you are smart
enough to live a happy and successful life. It takes time and efforts
for you to go where you want, and you are on the road already. you just
The world is such a noisy place. Loud, haranguing voices lecturing me to
hustle, to improve, build, strive, yearn, acquire, compete, and grasp
for more. For bigger and better. Sacrifice sleep for productivity.
Strive for excellence. Go big or go home. Have a huge impact in the
world. Make your life count.
my dearest self, I need your focusing. i know that there are so many
beautiful things and wormen in the world. We want them all. Yes, both of
us do. but both of us also know that time is limited. If we chasing too
much at the same time, we get none at last. let’s focus on job, and do
it with professionism.
But what if I just don’t have it in me. What if all the striving for
excellence leaves me sad, worn out, depleted. Drained of joy. Am I
simply not enough?
my earest self. I need your sincerity. i know you tell lies a lot when
you are small and young. you use them to protect yourself from the
things you don’t want and get the thing you wanted but not afford to
get. now you are a big boy! you have money, and wits, and persistance to
get the things you need.
What if I never really amount to anything when I grow up – beyond mom
and sister and wife. But these people in my primary circle of impact
know they are loved and that I would choose them again, given the
choice. Can this be enough?
I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone
there are so much i want to talk with you. my
What if I never build an orphanage in Africa but send bags of groceries
to people here and there and support a couple of kids through
sponsorship. What if I just offer the small gifts I have to the world
and let that be enough.
I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.
What if I don’t want to write a cookbook or build a six figure business
or speak before thousands. But I write because I have something to say
and I invest in a small community of women I care about and encourage
them to love and care for themselves well. Because bigger isn’t always
better and the individual matters. She is enough.
I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everday jug,
like my mother’s face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.
What if I just accept this mediocre body of mine that is neither big nor
small. Just in between. And I embrace that I have no desire to work for
rock hard abs or 18% body fat. And I make peace with it and decide that
when I lie on my deathbed I will never regret having just been me. Take
me or leave me.
What if I am a mediocre home manager who rarely dusts and mostly
maintains order and makes real food but sometimes buys pizza and who is
horrified at moments by the utter mess in some areas of her home. Who
loves to menu plan and budget but then breaks her own rules and pushes
back against rigidity. Who doesn’t care about decorating and fancy
things. Whose home is humble but safe.
What if I am not cut out for the frantic pace of this society and cannot
even begin to keep up. And see so many others with what appears to be
boundless energy and stamina but know that I need tons of solitude and
calm, an abundance of rest, and swaths of unscheduled time in order to
be healthy. Body, Spirit, Soul healthy. Am I enough?
What if I am too religious for some and not spiritual enough for others.
Non-evangelistic. Not bold enough. Yet willing to share in quiet ways,
in genuine relationship, my deeply rooted faith. And my doubts and
insecurities. This will have to be enough.
And if I have been married 21 years and love my husband more today than
yesterday but have never had a fairy tale romance and break the
“experts” marriage rules about doing a ton of activities together and
having a bunch in common. And we don’t. And we like time apart and time
together. Is our marriage good enough?
What if I am a mom who delights in her kids but needs time for herself
and sometimes just wants to be first and doesn’t like to play but who
hugs and affirms and supports her kids in their passions. A mediocre mom
who can never live up to her own expectations of good enough, let alone
What if I embrace my limitations and stop railing against them. Make
peace with who I am and what I need and honor your right to do the same.
Accept that all I really want is a small, slow, simple life. A mediocre
life. A beautiful, quiet, gentle life. I think it is enough.